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The American corporate culture has always fascinated me, particularly the consultant types. Now that would be a good job: you get to advise companies on how to "grow" their business but you're not really responsible. If the company goes broke it's not your fault and you just sign up another one. Of course, you need to know the jargon to make it as a consultant, liberally sprinkling your speech and memos with such verb-nouns as "officing," networking," and "partnering."
Before offering my consulting services to Nike or Microsoft I thought I'd build up my client list by practicing on various characters from history. Here's one of my recent memos:
To: King Arthur, CEO, Camelot Inc.
Dear Art:
Just a few thoughts on growing your business. First off, we've got to cut the dragon slaying from the act. I know there're plenty of dragons around now, but the dragon-huggers claim that in a few years they'll be extinct, and we're getting bad press over the issue.
I recommend we put a positive spin on this, i.e., when the boys are out doing chivalry we put up a poster or sticker that reads, "This good deed is dragon-free," or some such thing. We should also launch a "Damsels in Distress" ad campaign, maybe featuring an attractive Damsel of the Month who could pose with her knight in shining armor. We could line up several sponsors, who would be allowed to put their logos on the armor suits for a fee.
That brings up the annual jousting tournament. We're missing a bet in added revenue by not selling naming rights to the joust. And we've simply got to beef up the merchandising. I suggest we partner up with one of the big boys and call it something like "The Armor-All Super Joust." We should expand the merchandising beyond the usual pennants, rubber swords and mead mugs. For example, we could sell dolls that look like some of the more popular knights. Maybe not Lancelot this year. He and Guinevere's recent "thing" created a little too much controversy among the serfs and, frankly, Lance's demand to be traded back to France for a couple of knights to be named later hasn't sat well with our jousting fans. Gotta fill the seats, Art.
Regarding our ongoing cost-cutting efforts, a few more suggestions: The mead and meat budget is through the roof. The days of the two-flagon lunch are long over. We should limit refreshments at the Round Table meetings to bottled water and fruit juice and maybe a pizza.
Then there's Merlin. Hes really running up the expense account, popping up all over the country doing magic and miracles for free. He says he's networking, but I think he could do most of his magicking at the castle, again with an eye toward a sponsor. We could launch a line of wizardry products: crystal balls, wands, pointy hats, etc., to create another revenue stream.
Hate to say it, but we also need to lay off some of the boys and cut back on some of our less-profitable good-deed services. Some of the knights can take early retirement and we'll give others a good severance package and counseling. I know the unemployment lines are filled with jobless knights and squires, but with this downturn in the economy it's got to be done. We'll send out the usual "In order to serve our customers better" letter when we announce the downsizing.
And, Art, you really should delegate more. You can't get it all done by yourself at those interminable Round Table meetings. I suggest you appoint Mordred as chief operating officer and do your officing in Avalon. I know Mordred's a first-class weasel, but at least he's your weasel and he does wield a mean axe when it comes to cutting expenses.
On a more positive note, our website, Camelot.com, is getting more hits since we've started posting the pix of Guin's Ladies in Waiting on it. Were negotiating with Lady Godiva over exclusive web coverage of her upcoming ride, and the Lady in the Lake says she'll wear a bikini the next time she pops out of the pond, for a small piece of the action. Sex sells, Art. I know you don't like it, but keep thinking "profit center."
That's it for now, Art. Keep up the good work. My bill's in the mail.
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